I’m going to lay out a couple of facts here, and then let you in on my latest theory. If true, this dire situation could lead to the destruction of the United States!

1. Chinese restaurants exist around the United States.
2. Chinese restaurants have different “formats”, including take out, delivery, and the all-mighty buffet style.
3. Chinese food tends to be extremely inexpensive, to the point where it defines reason that they could ever make any money.
4. Chinese food is delicious.
5. Chinese food is identical around the country. While there are some slight variances on the tastes of different food types, egg foo yong, mu shu pork, General Tso’s chicken, and mu gu gai pan all taste the same whether you’re in New York, California, or anywhere in between.
6. Despite the previous fact, the Chinese food we have in America does not exist in China. Go over there, and ask for shrimp fried rice and an egg roll, and they’ll look at you like you’re crazy.

Add up all these facts, and the answer, I believe, is both terrifying and obvious.

Chinese restaurants in the United States are subsidized by officials in the Chinese government and the Chinese military in order to make Americans overweight and complacent. It is part of their first strike strategy, so when they do decide to invade the United States, the Americans will be less likely and less able to defend themselves.

Their assault has been ongoing for some time, but with the advent of the cheap Chinese buffet, their plan has gone into full production. It is now only a matter of time before the citizens of the United States will be so fat that we will simply change the channel when we hear about the invasion.

Warn your friends… warn your neighbors… and don’t go back for thirds at the buffet!