Children create housework, but children are not housework.

As I observe friends with children, particularly those who seem to be discouraged and overwhelmed with motherhood, I have noticed a pattern of sorts: they all seem to treat raising children as though it is a form of housework.

They go through the motions of caring for their children as if they are washing the dishes. They feed their children, care for their basic needs, and even exist in the same room as their children, but do not actually interact with them.

Yet, children are not to be maintained, they are to be nurtured.

While there is a place for coping and doing enough to get by when times are rough, it should not be the standard mode of operation.

Another symptom of maintaining vs. nurturing is when mothers do things to escape interacting with their children. It can be anything from chatting on line all day to running numerous and unnecessary errands, regardless if the child is being forced to miss his or her nap. Though they are physically there for their children, and meeting the need of protecting the children from accidentally killing themselves, they are mentally escaping by devoting their energy to interacting with other things.

Adhering to a schedule does help things to run smoother in a household. But, schedules that are too strict can also be a form of “coping” or “escaping”. An inflexible schedule, or a schedule just for the sake of the parent’s sanity is insensitive to the needs of a child. If every moment of the day is moving the child from one task to the next, or one play station to the next, yet does not allow for quality interaction time with the parents, the schedule is doing more harm than good. Nurturing children requires that parents be sensitive to their child’s needs, even if they are unplanned.

Putting off reading a book when a child has a sudden interest, just because it isn’t during the scheduled reading hour, or because it takes five minutes away from the designated dinner preparation time, reinforces the idea that children aren’t as important as adults. How does an inflexible schedule for the parent’s sake demonstrate love and self-sacrifice to a child?

While Jesus was teaching to a crowd in Jordan, people brought their children to him. The disciples rebuked them for doing this. But, Jesus said, “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.”(Mark 10:13-16) Are we modeling Christ to our children in all that we do and say and offering compassion and even a blessing to little ones, Jesus did even while he was busy with crowd of adults, when we send our children away?

Yes, parents are in charge and children should not have the authority to dictate what their parents are do with their time. However, interruptions to a parent’s schedule are not necessarily usurpations of authority. They are opportunities to capture the mind of your child and should be embraced more often than not. If a parent who schedules her time finds that her children regularly have difficulty being quiet during the designated time slot, which is there so she can have “her moment of peace”, perhaps she should reconsider her motives – is she merely being selfish and avoiding interacting with her children when they most need her?

Children are living, breathing, inquisitive, and yes, needy little beings. It is good to teach children manners – not to be rude while their mother is speaking on the phone. But, if the mother is constantly having to chastise her children for being rude because she is on the phone all day and is ignoring their need for mental stimulation, the fault is not the child’s. Sadly, it is easier to say “be quiet” and to discipline for “disobedience” than it is to take the phone off the hook and embrace the fact that children need their mother.

Part II: So how does one move from maintenance to nurturing? (more later – it’s 3AM)